Dwight Schrute would be so proud

What does this even mean

My chest hurts

I ALSO
Like to type LikE
I'm writing
A fucking...poem

That is the nastiest looking dildo I've ever laid my poor abused eyes upon

Ooooh, Mista Bond...

At least they're supporting Jews haha

Cats don't understand kisses. To them, you're putting your face against theirs and displaying your mouth full of sharp, powerful teeth to them. Of course they don't like it.

I wanted to be a mom, a spy, and a famous singer. I'm none of those things.

My best friend's dad got a vasectomy. Nine months later, her little sister was born. He was furious and thought his wife cheated on him. They got a DNA test done—it was theirs. The little girl looks like a perfect blend between her two parents. Turns out the only thing completely effective for birth control is abstinence. The marriage didn't last lol

This show is terrible

And Germans too

La chancla...

I live for this random shit

I'd lock him in my hamster's cage and let Big Johnny have his way with him.
(Yes, my hamster's name is Big Johnny.)

I thought he was trying to rip his head off? But people are so quick to jump to conclusions that it doesn't matter anyway I guess

Abs are kinda overrated IMHO. I think a smooth, flat stomach looks better.

James is not your friend. Friends don't do shit like that.

I could picture this so clearly in my mind's eye that it haunts me

I was looking for this post but the updated version of it is even funnier than I remembered. I love tumblr

I want to make it very clear that my mom is a great mom and I love her very much. But she's human, and her parents were pieces of shit and beat their opinions into her.
For pretty much my entire life, my mom quietly degrades laborers and retailers. In my mom's head, not going to college is a terrible offense and a waste of one's life. She has no problem snapping at baristas, phone-line workers, etcétera. Thankfully she's gotten a lot better over the years, but I vividly remember her screaming into the phone at a woman working at our bank. I remember feeling helpless, embarrassed, and so deeply ashamed. A lesson to everyone: don't think that just because you have a college degree, you are better than someone who doesn't, and don't fucking yell at people who are just doing their jobs.

Forget power move, this is next level