What in the holly waffle dicks were you thinking man? Every good joke must be checked, double checked, and then just a little overview before game time. Especially cat shit eating jokes.

I'm a heterosexual male with a wife and child, but I'm totally a girl at the car show.

It's taken me time to come to this, and I don't say this condescendingly. I've had to train myself to look no further than what is offered in the moment: time, friendship, or material. No matter what it is, I accept it as what the person has offered me and am grateful. It means that every relationship has no expectations and because of that I have very little disappointment. For example: If I'm in trouble, I never expect a friend's help, I think, "He may help I'll give 'em a call." If he says no, I accept that answer and I am grateful that I will be allowed this growth opportunity. The last time I was disappointed in someone was myself for not following through on a project.
It's even spilled over into the rest of my life. Everyday I wake up and think of 30 things (started with 5) I'm grateful for, I imagine if I lost them all, and I would still have a wonderful life. The only two things I leave off the list and always will are my wife and child.
Anyway, I hope this helps someone.

I hate it when you get an outfit that turns you darker.

"There can ory be One."

Nah. The problem is too many people complain.

How bout you just send them a picture of a naked man with the hugest penis you've ever seen. It would be even better if he is of the any other race. (This adds humor not racism)

I'll be here waiting quietly with my 6 pack of gluten beer and penis... I mean peanuts, for the "gay is a mental illness" people to show up.

If no one text me I'm fucking psyched. Don't bother me.

No one finds this offensive because everyone knows it's true. I'm in Tennessee and everyone finds it ridiculous.

Mrs. Capps 6th grade. That's all I'm saying.

"For your gift my lady, I shall never kiss or speak to you again. Have the lower portion of my face as your cro-."

This made me LOL!! This is also perfect painting of me and my daughter, because I recently started wearing a loincloth and she has the strength of forty men.

Yeah, but if you pay a little more for Chipotle, you don't shart yourself 30 minutes into watching the avengers while on a date with Mindy Abrams. Thanks Taco Bell for the HJ I never got.

"I'mma rock that debate today Mr. Franklin don't you worry." -Dwayne Johnson

Ever fall asleep before the caffeine kicks in? Jesus, it's like running away from a marathon murdering midgets.

The ref is either scared or turned on I can't decide... I don't think he can either.

Probably Chinese