Holly shit that's a hardcore quote.

And that's how vegans are made.

I married my best friend. We married on our fifth anniversary, and waited several years to have a baby. The time we spent just being a family of two was great, we did what ever we wanted, whenever we wanted. And honestly we weren't sure about having a baby.
My advice is this:
First, don't marry because it's the next step, marry because that's the person you want to experience life with for the rest of your life. Or, if you're religious (we are) do it for that reason first, then the experience part.
Second, kids aren't the next step in a marriage. If they come beforehand that's cool, but if marriage is first then a kid, don't listen to everyone who asks, "you gonna have kids?" Or, "when you gonna start a family?" It's none of their business, and you started a family when you said I do. And when you're both ready have a child, then do it as a team, and as equals. And always communicate with one another.

I always say, "Da- Wain." As if I'm having a stroke mid way through his name.

I'm a stay at home dad: feminists would love me.

There's one for shit too: Ship High In Transit.
Something about a ship and I think there was fertilizer involved or something.

Lava everybody.

At first I was like, "this is the most outrageous bullshit I have ever seen. How rich do you have to....???" And then by the middle I was like, "this is the most balla shit I have ever seen. I'm doing this with every bottle of wine I open until the day I die."

I know right!?! Who wears sandals anymore. Flip flop or nothing. That's my motto.

Aaaaaaaaaaand this is why people can't have a basic conversations and disagree about anything. Then, everyone is forced to be extreme on both sides of any argument. When people are exaggerated dick clowns, and lie to prove a point, it doesn't make me disagree more; I disagree with you the same, but now I also think you're an idiot and dislike you on being a shady turd.

"Does that guy never leave the bathroom"-Jim Gaffigan