The double standards

“A lot of women” do use the term body shaming wrong, and a lot of people talk to windows or think that the government is poisoning their cheese too. It’s more complex than this forum tends to like to read. There’s etiquette at play as well- you’re entitled to your opinion, others are entitled to not like your opinion- getting upset at someone’s opinion, then them getting upset at you for being upset about their opinion... it’s rather convoluted- we can’t really expect them to not have an opinion on our opinion nor they to not have an opinion on our opinion of their opinion right?

So- having an opinion and the right to one doesn’t make it tactful to share that opinion. Whatever the reason you don’t want to date a person- can they change it on the spot, or at all? Will you wait for them to change it and “save” yourself until they do? Will they think they should change themselves so that you will date them? So who said what to who first? That’s an important factor.

You're right, hurt feelings are creating so many problems and refusing to admit that only adds layers to that complexity.

There’s a big difference between saying “Sorry, I’m not interested in dating you..” and “sorry, I don’t date short/whatever/people...” Now- even with that difference, which is correct? On the one hand- if a person didn’t ask your opinion and your opinion is negative or not readily addressed- most etiquette says to keep it to yourself. However- many people want to know or even ask why a person won’t date them (not that they are entitled to know,) but is it better to fib or lie than tell the truth? And that is of course your opinion right? If you’re used to dating NBA stars a “short” guy could be 6’2” and it’s your OPINION they are short, or you’re opinion that guys shorter than Xyz aren’t attractive etc.

So if they get upset- they are getting upset over your opinion right? Their opinion of your opinion is that it is offensive in some way. So if they get upset at you, you might think in your opinion they are being rude and get upset back... so obviously Having an opinion doesn’t mean no one will react to your opinion right? And logically one form of being offended is to be hurt- to feel “shamed” even though the facts are what they are-

But.... what if instead of saying they don’t date shorter people or people below XYZ height they said “oh... well, I only date people who I can put my head on their chest while standing next to them...” that is no longer about you or your height is it? It’s about them and their want or need- the fact you can’t supply that is irrelevant as you weren’t mentioned at all, you aren’t in that sentence. Yet- the implication is still clearly there- you aren’t tall enough.

So we have to consider what and when it is shaming a person. A key factor is when we tell a person they should be ashamed or feel lesser because of a thing. It’s again quite different to say “I don’t date guys below 6’” or.. “I don’t date hobbits.” Another is “I don’t want to date you because you’re too short for me..” vs “who would want to date a short guy..?”

So a large part of “shaming” comes down to tone. Am I saying that there is something about you I am not attracted to, or am I saying that something about you is inherently and universally unattractive or repugnant? Am I being unnecessarily cruel, or am I being kind but direct?

The fact you FEEL shame doesn’t mean I have shamed you by itself- but we have to look deeper at the term. “You have shamed me...” this is where I may not have insulted you but my actions in a social encounter also didn’t save you shame. Paying for your lunch light poor shame you- we both know I’m doing it because you don’t have money- but bringing up how I hate owing people and you helped me do XYZ, or saying I have a free coupon etc. saves you that shame you would otherwise feel.

So that then is an argument for the “white lie,” that we have a social obligation to save others from embarrassment whenever possible- in which case the answer would just be to not tell the person why or make up a generic reason that isn’t a reflection on them. Many would argue that isn’t right either though.

There’s no easy answer or one size fits all way to deal with all people. In a perfect world we’d all only say kind things to each other. But to be safe it’s generally just a best bet to keep what you think of other people’s bodies or self to yourself unless and possibly even if asked.

So yes, there are women who do shame men because of their height, and those women should really modify their behavior so that in whatever way best mitigates the feelings of shame that a man might feel for his height- or as a society we simply have to take the emphasis off of height. We can accept people and be encouraging and validating without dating or sexing them- of course I suspect that the often aggressive rebuttals of “many women” are related to the often aggressive and persistent tactics of “many men” in pursuing them. Two wrongs don’t make a right- but when it gets down to it for a woman looking for a sure way to not be bothered by a man, hurting his pride is one of the most successful ways to deter even persistent suitors.

So it’s all a tangled up web of those people and those people and context and minutia. By and large we should be nice to each other. When that fails we should try and be as nice as possible and escalate only as needed. Men tend to be judged on much fewer criteria than women in society for worthiness- but that’s not all good- that means those areas where gender roles expect men to excel and they don’t weigh much heavier against men than if only one or two of the many criteria for women aren’t “met.” In simpler terms- everyone has problems, but while I do see these types of short problems posts often- I’ve never seen one where one of the short guys offered up how they would like to be treated or how they’d like to see the problem handled. That would be interesting to hear.