How could she resist? Her name is on the door.

All you have to do is release a sex tape, and solidify yourself in the A-list circle by marrying a multi-platinum artist.

"If you shoot me, I'll shoot myself! Take that!"

As a medical professional for the United States Army, my personal opinion for the benefit of your own health is to not fuck the wasps.

Boy, I can't wait until people don't bother to read and think this baby is being abused.

I speak dog, and this is the most offensive sign I've ever read.

"Obama-chan, you make my politics so hard..." Putin whispered softly.

Gonna go try this and be the best magician in my neighborhood.

*dunks aggressively*

This is why you don't let old people use technology.

Then they started making them out of plastic, which is JUST AS HOT.

That was nice and simple.
Nobody got hurt.

What's our war record against all of Europe again?
Undefeated?
OH, SAY CAN YOU SEE.

That's why I pronounce it "cra-z-why".
I'm lying, I don't do that.

"That's no moon.
It's a watermelon!"

IF YA SMEEEEEEEEEEELL
WHAT THE ROCK
IS COOKIN'.
Don't date his kid, you'll die.

Someone got so fired for that.

"Day twenty-five...or is it twenty-six?
The food is gone, I think the stream I was drinking from gave me a stomach virus. Things look grim. I came to nature to find myself...but it looks like nature found me, and it isn't letting me leave alive."

WE
WILL
WE
WILL
ROCK YOU.

"No, but they'll give my child autism! I know that because I read it on the Internet with no medical evidence to support it!"

America isn't the only place making bad decisions.

This is going to potentially save me tons of time, if I ever need a heart-shaped cake.